Blog Post

A good eulogy.....

  • by M SHAW
  • 16 Aug, 2022

What makes a "good eulogy"?

What makes a “good funeral”?

A good funeral might sound like a contradiction in terms. However funerals open an opportunity as part of the grief process for family and friends to have their time to say “good bye”. Closure is a word we often hear. Not necessarily an adequate word. A funeral will not close the journey of grief, but a “good funeral” can be a significant step along the journey of grief, and a big part of a good funeral is a good eulogy.

What makes a good funeral will be different for everyone. For some, the traditional ceremony, formality of a liturgical church service, uniformed bearers and smart cars.   A traditional funeral will offer a certain format and guide which however strictly adhered to helps people structure the ceremony.

For others the informality of casual dress, perhaps even a theme, minimal structure and an individually crafted ceremony focusing on the life story of the person who has died may seem more relevant. However, with this freedom comes a need to bring some sort of structure and purpose to the occasion.

Good eulogies form an important part of any funeral, whether read by the clergy, celebrant or family and friends.  Generally the eulogy can be seen as a review or celebration of someone’s life.

Who were they and where did they come from?

At a funeral, we may think of a persons history, right back to their birth, perhaps beyond to their family tree, especially if their family tree was particularly important in shaping the course of their life. Mention of ancestors or known family traits all have a place. Surviving parents, siblings or life-long friends will reminisce about the early days and first steps. Those, who only knew the deceased in later years get an insight into the early formative days which invariably shed light on how the rest of life was lived. Whether hard days of challenge, inspirational influences in early days, or trials which developed determination, these days are interesting in hearing someone’s life summarised – and not only as a walk back through the “olden days”.

What did they do?

How important someone’s life achievements were may depend much on what these achievements were. Or rather may depend on how we determine the achievements of someone’s life. Whether great career achievements, regular employment, sporting, academic or other exploits or perhaps the importance of family and relationships.  Sometimes the ability simply to journey quietly and consistently through life is the achievement. The positive influence someone had in life and the memories they leave behind often stem from what activities and values someone committed their life to. I think most of us have been to a funeral where we walk away wishing we had known the person a little better, understood their motivations better and taken more time to know and appreciate the journey they made through life.

What did they enjoy?

Everyone’s life is different! For some, it seems that every moment is full activity and purpose. We are left asking how someone could fit so much into one lifetime. We may even be inspired to make sure we are making the most of however many more days we have before us. Other lives don’t seem to be so action packed, but none the less, every day mattered just as much, making the most of what they had. Peoples pleasures be it hobbies, music, arts, crafts, sports, travel, bingo, family and friendship, even obscure interests tell us a lot about someone and what mattered to them in life and gave them pleasure, satisfaction and contentment.  For some at the funeral, they will be all to aware whether of the special bonds shared over such interests, or an awareness of such interests – if not necessarily shared.

How will they be remembered?

Legacy is the word which speaks about what someone has left behind. Hopefully, most of us will leave a good legacy for those who remain after us. Often as we look back on a life, we are less concerned about achievements and accomplishments. What seems to matter more is the memory of someone, who they were to us, the times whether good or difficult shared together, the jokes laughed at, the sayings and the peculiarities which made someone who they were is what we remember. Something as simple as what kind of sweets they carried in their pocket and shared tell a story. These memories may all be for the good. Sometimes they will be memories which are not so positive – but none the less, it can be an important part in remembering and saying good-bye to reflect and acknowledge all these personality and character traits.

What would THEY say?

Sometimes we might think of what the deceased might have to say about their own funeral. Would they like all the attention of their funeral. Would they be flattered to know who all had turned up? Would they have their own message and last sayings as they depart this earth – whether of hope for the future or reflection on the past? How did they face their final days. Did they know the end was approaching? Were the accepting? Were they prepared?

We usually think of music and flowers for a funeral. Both can be important. Music can help us remember what the individual liked, or it can convey our message and our thoughts at a time of loss. Flowers are traditional for funerals. The last gift perhaps – bringing colour with a message.

But if the deceased really didn’t like flowers – do they mean much? Sometimes their football shirt, army hat, musical instrument or some other personal item may show a more relevant and meaningful image to focus on during the funeral. There are so many options.

Poems

Occasionally, a family writes a great poem just for their relative. But not everyone can do that. Poems however can convey a meaning and message which compliment the stories of the eulogy. A simple online search for “funeral readings and poems” will bring up a raft of material. You might just find a piece that captures the sentiment of your family and helps you say just the right words. And if you need to alter such a piece to make it just right for the moment, then you can do this too.

Whoever leads the funeral service will help you bring all of this together. Assuming of course that you are not going to do the whole service yourself which is a tough but meaningful option.  

So whether you are writing a eulogy yourself, or are meeting someone who will write the eulogy, hopefully these thoughts help you think about some of what a “good funeral” ceremony might include.


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Funeral customs and traditions vary greatly both over time and from region to region. Funeral traditions relate to many other studies in history, geography, religion and sociology. Even in Scotland, traditions and customs vary greatly from one end of the country to the next.

We often find that the “traditional funeral” is full of rites and traditions each of which has a very practical aspect when understood in its original context. So here we look at some of the funeral traditions we are often asked about and what their history is.

As with all things, funerals have changed but some of the customs remain. In centuries gone by, or perhaps even more recently, funerals were much more of a community occasion. Families lived in closer proximity, smaller rural communities were tightly bound by community spirit which has no doubt eroded as they turn into commuter belt housing estates.

Within traditional communities, several people would have taken their role after someone died. It was far more likely that someone would die at home in the past. It was also likely that their funeral would take place more quickly than we often see today. Three days seems to the be the traditional expectation. There were less choices to make and take time over. Keeping a deceased body at home for too long without modern funeral home facilities had its practical restrictions. We are still often asked to have someone “resting at home”, even though they may have died in hospital. In such cases, once someone is dressed and prepared in their coffin, we take their coffin to the home. (Access and health and safety need to be considered.)

Often a District Nurse would continue their duties with the “laying out” of the body, dressing, closing of eyes and mouth. This might have been a chargeable service. Then the local joiner would make a coffin – probably to measure. The modern funeral director is generally a progression of this joiner / coffin supplier role. Funeral vehicles which are now the remit of funeral directors would often have been operated by garages, taxi firms or other transport firms and hired out accordingly. In the last generation or so, these funeral cars came under the ownership and provision of funeral directors.

There has always been a need to spread the news that someone has died and that their funeral is to take place. Such news travels fast, however the printed press was and remains a key part of this. However, a note in various local shop windows was a quick and easy way to spread word of a pending funeral. In some communities this still happens, especially where the local paper is only printed once a week which would be too late for notification of many funerals.

Where church was at the heart of the community, the local parish minister or priest was the usual officiant for the funeral. Religious customs vary greatly. In some traditions, the funeral was and remains no occasion for reminiscing about the life story of the deceased but rather a time to pray for the deceased as the progress to life eternal. Other traditions may have seemed to afford a little more consideration to the survivors and their need to take stock of the life lost and be comforted in their grief.

Each denomination or religion will have its own ceremonial rites which vary greatly. Jewish and Muslim funeral traditions are dictated largely by speed. The sooner the deceased is buried in the ground, the sooner their soul can make it’s onward journey and the sooner the grieving relatives could begin their mourning rituals. In other cultures, the deceased is to be sent on their way with food and clothing for the next life.

Traditionally it was the men who took the coffin to the cemetery. Whether this was out of old school chivalry, or whether it was a practical division of duties, allowing the women to get back and line up the catering who knows. A social time with refreshments then allowed sympathy to be expressed and the community to be together.

In Scotland, we have a tradition of 8 members of the family (traditionally men), in order of precedence lowering the coffin into the grave with cords and tassels. If you went to a burial in England, the lowering of the coffin would be done by funeral bearers using straps rather than cords attached to the coffin.

After the coffin was lowered, it would have been covered with a lair of straw to protect it and dull the sound as the earth was put back into the grave. Now this function is served by a neat coffin mattress which we place over the coffin.

Funeral homes and rest rooms are a relatively new development which allow family to have a place their relative lies prior to the funeral. As mentioned above, historically someone would have remained in the family home, or been taken from hospital to church where they may have been viewed by family the night prior to the funeral.

In Aberdeen, our historic firm “Shore Porters” used to provide a service of coffin carrying whether from the house or church to the cemetery.

The advent of cremation took funerals away from the nature and earth of cemeteries to a clean inside environment. Often church service would and still do take place prior to cremation. However there was now one place where the whole service could be held. In keeping with the tradition of burial, the coffin at the crematorium would lower out of site at the end of the service representing the lowering into the grave. Interestingly, in Aberdeen Crematorium which has operated since the mid 1970s, the coffin has never moved. People often ask however about the coffin moving or being taken away. There had been curtains to enclose the coffin at the end of the service, but even these have now been removed. Previously at Kaimhill Crematorium, the coffin did lower out of site.

When the local joiner made a coffin to measure out of oak or mahogany boards, there was probably not much discussion about how it would look. Now however, coffins come in many styles and colours, including print wrapped coffins allowing you to have anything on it you wish. What is absolutely great and meaningful to one family may test the bounds of good taste for another family.

Flowers have always played a part at funerals. They bring a natural brightness to a sombre occasion, they may bring a fragrant smell and for some, they symbolise a life which has been cut from it’s root.

Funeral attire has traditionally been black, and still often is black as an expression of mourning. However it is not uncommon now to have families ask that bright colours be worn, or event team colours to reflect the deceased’s passion in life.

Previous articles have explored changing approaches but ongoing significance of funeral ceremonies and the increase in secular services. We have also looked at the increasing number of funerals which take place with no one attending.

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